My Baby is a Genius

And his father thought he’d never amount to anything …

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Man Law is Just as Annoying as Hyper-Feminism

Man-Law is a lot like feminism.
They are both annoying and obnoxious, are poor representations of either sexuality, and come dangerously close to a homosexual combustion.

The way you guys feel about a hairy-pitted, screaming skin head feminist is exactly the way we feel towards a rude, beer guzzling, anal retentive homophobe who cant even feel comfortable if a pastel color is woven into his plaid for fear of somehow being possessed by the anal penetration demon.

I had this one friend, bless his rotten heart, who wore a storm trooper costume 5 sizes too small on Halloween. He also wears Christmas sweaters when he feels festive near that special time of year, and sometimes he listens to Madonna because she’s awesome (she sang about screwing and masturbation at a time when clit-diddling was thought heinous and evil). This friend of mine was nothing but straight. Straight as spaghetti. And he is one of the coolest males I’ve met.

Man Law is stupid.
It is like a bible for little rosy-cheeked boys who want to be men.

Let us look back on ancient literature. The Code of Hammurabi comes from about 1750 BC. It is probably the oldest recorded code of law in the world. Rule 128 of this document stipulates: “If a man take a woman to wife, but have no intercourse with her, this woman is no wife to him.”

This is understandable, I guess.

Now let us look at a real live Man Law: “When toasting with beer, should you clink with the top or the bottom of the bottle? Reply: The Bottom, because clinking the top would swap saliva and thus qualify as kissing.”

WHAT THE FUCK? HOW DO YOU MAKE THE JUMP FROM A JOLLY MIRTHFUL CLINKING OF GLASSES IN COMMEMORATION OF A HAPPY TIME TO GUY ON GUY ACTION? Jesus Christ!

Exhibit B: “Is it acceptable for a wife or girlfriend to store items other than beer in the garage fridge? No. The line is the line – It is the only sovereign territory left.” If you married some straight-edge cunt who doesn’t drink nor agree that one fridge should be dedicated to booze and booze alone that is your failure.

Don’t marry a bitch.

Exhibit C: “Interference for the purpose of attempting to steal someone’s girlfriend is an unspeakable crime and will result in a total loss of respect and reputation.” Fuck that! If someone else is willing to put forth more effort to win a girl, so be it. She belongs with him. You snooze you lose. There’s a cute little rule for you.

I could go on but for the sake of Miller Lite, which tastes like fizzy, watered-down molasses by the way, I wont.

If you have to follow a set of rules and restrictions in order to be a man, and you find yourself breaking them and being corrected by your fellow apes more often than not, and calling out others for their man misdemeanors, perhaps it is time to consider that these rules are repressing your natural urges and behaviors. These NATURAL behaviors are primitive. Freely and unselfconsciously indulging in your primitive fucked up, quirky, sometimes insanely “queer” tendencies is real masculinity. Being a man is being yourself and not apologizing for it.

That doesn’t mean pink shirts and popped collars are the new cool by any means. It just means that Tyler Durden’s fuzzy coffee cup bathrobe, Johnny Depp’s love of exotic wines, and your cute tendency to dance silly when you’re drunk … is.

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Cutting Through the Boredom with Literal Horse Shit

So what is the remedy to boredom? Why doing mushrooms of course. In a small, dank, cat-infested apartment to be exact. With Robert Delong blaring and hands up, eyes bugged, Joker-laughing until you are happy/scared. It was a good time, but boy oh boy are we ever an emotional pair.

Of course we start out laughing like maniacal schizophrenics in white nightgowns, but eventually the dark edges close in and we are both crying an hour and a half into the trip. About what? Oh anything, really. Boys. Childhood traumas. The aloe vera plant’s lack of sun exposure in the winter. One of the cats.

We are real nature-lovers when we are high. We can get real low when we’re high.

We did have an interesting realization though. We are sisters. Yeah. Pretty revelatory. But really it is an amazing thing. We are like twins, cut of the same mold; branches growing independent from the same trunk. Born with different views of the world but the same system for digesting it all. So we end up with kind of the same looking shit. You know? No, you don’t. Because you don’t have a sister who is practically the same age.

This is why I could never hate drugs. It opens up a part of your mind that otherwise gets closed off in favor of other more high-traffic channels, such as those for processing gas prices and deciding which show to watch after a “hard” day at work. Or taking the initiative to explain to your friend how to pronounce qui·noa.

The moral? Do drugs, sometimes.

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Don’t Give In or Up

Holy shit I am old. 26. And I still haven’t got it figured out yet.

First of all, I’ve sold out. I work in a footnote of my industry of choice, producing content whose headlines I wouldn’t even bother to finish reading , let alone the full breadth.

Actually that’s not true. Sometimes I get to write about home renovations and interior design and that interests me, but only insofar as it is a hobby I’d like to contract (that’s right, you contract it like a virus. It’s like an epidemic. Have you seen how many TV shows there are about flipping houses? I mean … The Jennie Garth Project? You have to be fucking kidding me, Jennie.)

I may be a sell out, yes. I’ve traded global grassroots politics for local mass media. But what choice did I have? I had to move out of my parents’ basement. I had to get a car so I could get a job so I could get to my job so I could pay my student debt so I could pay the rent so I could feed myself so I could … not die.

I realize this is melodramatic. I still have 16-year old angst in my blood and sometimes I have blood clots. The point I wish to make here is that in our generation it is much harder to pursue our Dreams. Dreams with a capital D because D is for Delusion. Now I don’t compare Dreams with Delusion because Dreams are not real. (They are as real as a metaphysical ideal can be.) I associate them with Delusion because we have been severely duped about how to pursue them. We were told if we got a good (see: expensive) education, if we worked really hard (see: conform), and didn’t do drugs and didn’t drink and didn’t have too much sex and contract a virus or get pregnant or get someone pregnant (see: fun … ok pregnancy doesn’t look that fun), then we would obtain our Dreams.

“Follow your Dreams.”

I followed mine into debt, depression, and worst of all, deception. They were wrong. Thanks mom. No I don’t blame her. It was what we were all fed. In our parents’ generation those who got a higher education got a higher quality of life because they got the jobs at the top of the chain. The idea jobs. The interesting jobs. The fun jobs. And, consequently, the high-paying jobs. That may have been the case in like 1984, but not anymore.

We were a little foolish to believe them, really.
A + B = the amazingly coveted C?
School + Hard Work = Eternal Happiness?

As that wise bitch Cinderella once said, “A dream is a wish your heart makes.” Doesn’t this formula look a little too simple to be the path to the thing your heart most desires? Why did we expect it to come so easily? I mean, how hard is it to get an Arts degree? A General Science degree? Not that fucking hard if you have a coffeemaker and a frontal lobe.

I think we are headed to a conclusion soon, so please bear with me.

To make our dreams come true, we need to be willing to wander off the path that has been set for us by literally millions of other Tap Out / Ed Hardy / LuLu Lemon-wearing drones. Universities and colleges are a conveyor belt that pumps out graduate after cookie-cut graduate. You go in one end as a girlchild with stars in her eyes and a hymen in her jeans, go through a series of social gears and mental turnpikes, jump through a series of academic and fiscal hoops, eventually get your cherry shattered underneath a clammy, acne-peppered, under-performer to the sounds of his stuttery dick-puke grunts and the sounds of your own voice imitating an Asian porn orgasm/wimper so he will just stop. (No? Just my experience?) … then you come out the other side a jaded, socially attuned, optimistic and relieved young adult.

This is one of the great things about post-secondary education. It does teach you a lot — about yourself, about other people, about the world … sort of. But real knowledge and experience comes from getting out of your ivory tower and experiencing life. The dark corners as well as the bright and sunny ones.

It is only after your hope has been utterly and completely shattered, like mine, that you begin to see the true path to your dreams. And it is a hard one, wrought with mountains and gullies and various poisonous insects and fucking Jaguars and shit. But you should go for it.

Before you have to pay rent and car insurance and it’s too late.

Or do both and just shut up and stop complaining.

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The Richest Young Musicians From the UK

From Britpop to English folk rock, the UK has fostered some of the most prominent young musicians of our time. And they have gone on to make millions. Here is The Sunday Times’ top 10 richest musicians under 30 in the UK and Ireland.

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The Wealthiest Kings and Queens of Hip-Hop

Hip-hop lyrics are often about “making it big” with little or nothing to work with. Most hip-hop artists have gone from rags to riches through their music. In the spirit of Forbes’ recent list of the top 5 wealthiest hip-hop artists, here is an extended list of hip-hop icons that mastered the art and struck gold. Click to see how they made their millions.

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10 Ways to Get Paid to Travel Around the World

Do you find that your bucket list is growing a lot faster than your bank account? A number of people find themselves putting off their travel plans because they’re tied to a job. If you are one of those people who doesn’t want to sacrifice a steady stream of income in order to be able to travel, here are a few jobs that will actually pay you to see the world.

Flight Attendant

UnknownAir stewards and stewardesses strike a balance between padding their bank accounts and seeing the world. Their duties include enforcing safety and security measures, customer service and hospitality, boarding particulars and ensuring a safe and pleasurable ride.

The pay: $3,000-$4,000 per month.

The credentials: first aid certification, a second language

Cruise Ship Employee

MSMajestyOfTheSeasEdit1Because a cruise ship is just like a microcosm community, there are jobs in demand for all skill sets. From chefs and food servers to swim instructors and tour leaders, there is a role for everyone. Cruise ship employees work long hours and the pay is less than amazing, but the chance to see the world from coast to coast is invaluable.

The pay: $1,200-$1,500 per month.

The credentials: immunity to sea-sickness

ESL (English as a Second Language) Teacher

esl1This method is the most popular means of travelling while working, especially for young people. The type of workvaries greatly depending on where in the world you are teaching, but your purpose is to teach English to speakers of other languages.

The pay: $2,000-$5,000 per month (South Korea, Taiwan, and Japan tend to pay the best).

The credentials: TESOL certificate (or equivalent)

Tour Guide

snowshoeingAlthough on the lower end of the pay scale, this job is perfect for the action-loving adventurer. If you have a destination in mind that you know a ton about and are willing to spend a significant amount of time in, then you might as well capitalize on it.

The pay: $10-$15 per hour (guides sometimes also receive tips)

The credentials: training and certification are optional but not necessary. It’s also a good idea to be a knowledgeable, enthusiastic people-person.

Travel Writer

beach workerThe role is pretty self-explanatory, but there are a few ways to do this job. Sometimes you are paid to travel to a location selected by the company you are working for. But if you freelance, you have to pay your own way and do the leg work of finding publications to buy your stories.

The pay: Depending on how well you manage your time, $3,000-$5,000 per month.

The credentials: strong self-descipline (the piña coladas will call your name, so you have to be able to block out temptation)

Travel Nurse

iStock_000012050555XSmall_crop380wAlthough this occupation is not for the faint-of-heart, a travelnurse has the opportunity totravel the globe while still pursuing a career. And they get to feel good about helping people to boot!

The pay: $50,000-$70,000 per year

The credentials: nurse certification, 1-2 years experience

NGO Worker

ngo-workerAlthough this is not the most materially rewarding, working for a non-governmental organization is another way to feel great about what you are doing. Travel the world and make money while making a difference. NGO experience looks fantastic on a resume. That being said, the positions are quite competitive.

The pay: $40,000-$60,000 annually

The credentials: learning the language of your chosen location will definitely give you an edge

Tree Planter

TPE2007bentessierIf you want to get in great shape, earn some good cash and spend a few months roughing it in the backwoods of Canada, then tree planting is the trip for you. Although thework is hard and the pay is nothing to write home about (literally), you meet some amazing people, help MotherEarth and you’ll see all the beautiful wildlife Canada has to offer.

The pay: $1,600-$2,800 per month

The credentials: a strong back, camping gear, SPF 50, and about 20 pairs of gloves

Au Pair

978x420_aupair_003An au pair moves into the home of a host family and helps thefamily by taking care of thechildren and helping with housework. The details of these positions are often negotiable, but an au pair usually receives free room and board and a stipend, has weekends to themselves, and is sometimes even provided with a travelpass, language courses, or a car to use. Being an au pair in a foreign country is not only an excellent way to travel, but also experience a new culture and learn a new language.

The pay: free room and board plus $150-$350 per week in spending money

The credentials: 18-30 years old, typically females are in higher demand

Digital Nomad

RTW_digital_nomad-2Also called “white collar nomads” or “extreme telecommuters,” these people have given up their desk jobs(and their houses and cars in some cases) to take their business on the road. If you have skills that can be done online — web designers, photographers, consultants, writers and artists are among these — then there is no reason why you cannot keep the same job while travelling. The white collar nomad is becoming very popular in the digital age, and without the cost of a mortgage, it allows one to actually savemoney while travelling.

The pay: save $10,000-$15,000 per year.

The credentials: digital skills, a solid laptop computer with an impenetrable lock

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